Jack Haven

The Darndest Things

They say kids say the darndest things. We'll, I think the things so-called adults say are even funnier. Check it out.

Jaser: "A rose by any other name is probably the result of sloppy editing."

Nora: "Soy malo."
Nora was a sick girl. Instead, she told the poor cleaning lady that she was a bad boy. At that, the cleaning lady walked slowly away.

Jack: "Como se dice, 'Flip this bitch!'?"

JoVo: "The only things that are good straight are women and tequila."

JoVo: "I'm here to expose her to the gay."
Gay shop owner: "Well come on in. There's plenty of gay in here."
Starla was excited to see Bourbon Street's gay section.

Starla: "How alcoholic is this drink?"
JoVo: "It's more alcoholic than your mom."
Referring to the hand grenade, it's funny 'cause it's true.

Ashley: "Don't cut the tag off! You can't cut the tag off!"
JoVo: "It's made in China! That's crap!"
Ashley: "That's horrible!"
JoVo: "Stupid Communist skunk!"
Ashley: "It's a raccoon!"
JoVo: "Shut up!"
I thought my new stuffed raccoon looked more like a skunk. Still, I don't like tags.

Anonymous: "Tulane: the $30,000 beer with free refills."
This was actually etched into the wall of one of the stalls on the bathroom of my dorm.

Sorority Girl #1: "Oh yeah. We do the lesbian thing."
Sorority Girl #2: "You can watch if you want."
Frat Boy: (nods excitedly)
College is a strange place.

Brendon: "Isn't RAT food so much better once you've gone drinking?"
The RAT is short for the Ratskeller, Tulane University's after hours restaurant.

Hans: (pointing at Angelique) "Is this your daughter?"
Catherine: "Yes."
Hans: "You poor woman."
Hans was our bus driver in our travels through Germany. Catherine is, as implied, Angelique's mom.

JoVo: "We should go to the Youth Fair!"
Gonzalo: "Too bad you can't go on half the rides, Jovani. But I bet you'll have fun anyway."
It's tough being 5'2".

Amy: "I think all guys should be straight... because I'm single."
All guys are either gay or taken. Right? It's true, isn't it?

Nihar: "¡Soy el hombre mas duro!"
In English, this means, "I am the hardest man." We think he was trying to say "strongest," but it didn't quite work out.

Armand: "I can't wait to go to UF so I can bang your sister."
This comment was directed at Nihar, who is Armand's friend. Needless to say, Nihar did not find it as amusing as we did.

Amy: "Oh my God, Michael! You're hard as a rock!"
No, sick bastard. She was talking about Mike's abs.

Jose: "That's why he gets those urges; those... homosexual ones."
This wasn't the first time Mike's homoerotic humor was attributed to his ADHD.

JoVo: "What do you think of France... Francis?"
We realize this was corny as hell, but that's what makes it funny... or not.

Mr. Grace: "Does yo' mama eat?"
This is a lot funnier once you know that he's spent the past few minutes discussing the similar relationships between sex and reproduction, and eating and digestion.

Amy: "I should be a lesbian."
Men are sooo disappointing.

Mr. Grace: "Spyrogyra makes me horny!"
What? They don't do it for you?

Nick: "GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!"
This famous quote came from the frustrated temper of a man who, unable to curse due to tennis competition rules, needed to vent his anger one way or another.

Gonzalo: "The gate's open."
Francis: "Yeah. Like your mom's pussy."
We like low blows. Heh heh.

Kahilah: "C'mon you guys! Show some R-E-S-P-C-T!"
Well, she got our attention. We laughed at her for several minutes after this one.

Nick: "See, Frank plays with OPP; we play with Our PP."
Knowing that OPP means Other People's Property, masturbation can be a funny topic of conversation.

JoVo: "Aren't you going to get anything?"
Gonzalo: "No. I'm broke."
JoVo: "So you came just for the purpose of coming?"
For what other reason would you come... er... go to McDonald's?

JoVo: "They could punish the Confederates by giving them only a half vote in any election."
Kahilah: "Why not three-fifths? They did it to the slaves."
JoVo: "But we're talking about people here."
You think that's bad? You should hear the things we said about Mexicans.

Mr. Jones: "Mike, drugs?"
Sometimes, we've wanted to ask Mike that question ourselves.

Mr. Jones: "What the fuck are you guys thinking? Do you know how fucking embarrassing that was? That was my fucking boss."
The guy had a temper. Whoo boy!

Gonzalo: "Hey, Nick! It's George from Seinfeld!"
This wouldn't be funny unless you realize that he screamed that out in a room during the dead silence of Silent Sustained Reading. Headphones will facilitate such events.

Faye: "Suck my finger."
Nick: "How?"
Gonzalo: "Suck it like a dick, Nick."

Amy: "I think Nick would be good in bed."
Given Nick and Amy's adversarial relationship, this comment was funny as hell.

Kahilah: "I'm just tired of getting POINTLESS email. So if u have nothing meaningful, don't waste peoples time by writing crappy email.
Jose: "Shut up... slut."
He's a quiet one, but when he opens his mouth... watch out!

Nick: "I been there, playa."
He's been there. He knows how it is.

Unknown freshman female: "Mike, you were SO GOOD!"
Mike gives good presentations, we know, but damn!

JoVo: "This is my friend Mike."
Burger King employee: "Mmmm."
JoVo: (to Mike) "She's a bit primitive."
Burger King employee: (chuckles) "You funny."
Burger King employees are great... Really.

Ramiro: "JoVo, what do you want for Christmas?"
JoVo: "Sex with Elyse."
I mean... who doesn't want sex with Elyse?

Mike: "Amazons are fucking sexy."
Gonzalo: "Mike, isn't your mom an Amazon?"
Mike: "I'll fuck her up the ass. Right up her bunghole."
Mike: "Wait."
Gotta love chatrooms. The lags make many funny mistakes possible.

Amy: "Gonzalo, it's so BIG!"
Yes, Gonzalo has a big one. A vocabulary, that is.

Karina: "It smells so bad, but it tastes so good."
Apple sauce, you pervert. Apple sauce. Damn.